If Only I Knew...

I know that I need to write this out, to get it out of my head so I can stop thinking about it and get some perspective (it's easier to get perspective for me if it's written down...if I can see it and analyze it and just think...) but where do I begin? Ahh, the beginning.

I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints three years ago. I was supported by an entire ward of people my age and older who loved me and made me part of the group. They cared and I was taken care of. Great. I finally felt apart of a group of something. I belonged. I was happy. I was no longer searching for that truth that I knew was out there. Have I mentioned I was happy yet? Cause I was. VERY HAPPY.

I'd made friends with the people in my ward and they helped me out - taking me places, checking in on me, basically being my only support (since I wasn't getting that at home) until I left for school.

I lived in Provo and a few of the people that I loved were with me and, honestly, it was the same. I was taken care of. I had it easy. Yes, I had to do the hard stuff - work, etc - but the same people were still there. Email, phones, it was all easy. I could keep in contact if I needed to. And, it was a two way deal: if I needed something, they were there & if they needed something I was there. Nice. Simple. It was great.

I moved back because of family obligations and they followed me here. Well, he followed me here. The same one I followed out there. Weird, I know.

Well, now he's leaving. To Asia. My heart, although SO proud of him for landing the deal of his lifetime, is sad. No, I didn't join the church for this man, but he has always BEEN there for me. And I for him. But, no contact for 4 months. Nothing. He hasn't even left yet and my heart breaks.

But it's not that I'm in love with him. It's not that I care for him in any romantic way - it’s that he's always been here. Always. Who is going to answer my weird doctrine questions? Who's going to meet me for lunch when I'm having a bad day? Who is going to call me if he breaks up with some girl for lying to him about something? Who am I going to go to the mall with so he can have 'hip' clothes for a 'hot' date he has?

Not he and that just feels weird.

It's funny, I never realized how much I depended on him before...

Yeah, I'm proud of him. He's dreamed of this his whole life and I couldn't be any happier for him. He's a great guy and the people in the Asian country he'll be in will be so lucky for getting him. But... (oh yes, there's always a but,) I'll miss him. Tons.

And I just hope that he misses me, too.

Any advice?